Letting Love be Louder than Fear

My deconstruction started a few years ago. I’m just not hiding it anymore.

You see the results of it outwardly, but not the wrestle or the reasons or the experiences that have brought me to it. I’ve kept most of that private- mostly because it scared me to begin with. 

I sensed a quiet discomfort and disapproval, which I now understand is fear. I too, was once afraid and I still have my days.


But I’ve spent too many years trying to convince people to understanding, in order to win their approval and acceptance. I’m done with that.

I can forget people still need catching up. 

So for those of you wondering what’s going on with my faith: everything and yet nothing has changed.

Jesus remains my husband. My understanding and experiences of The Holy Spirit are simply expanding. 

“Stay curious. Let Love be louder than your fear.”  That was all God gave me to go on. Then I wandered and wondered for the past year. 

I've come to accept I’m a Christian Mystic- I always have been. My faith expressions don't fit Religious boxes, though I tried mightily for years to make them!

The Wildness is my Home. I'm comfortable in the Grey- the Both/And. 

I will largely not belong and be misunderstood. I will be labelled - new age, a witch, a heretic- by my brothers and sisters. I may even be burned at the proverbial stake. But I can’t stay in the borders anymore. They were slowly killing me - choking my faith from the inside out. 

The term Mystic isn't sacrilege. It doesn't need to be scary.  

Christian mystics aren't definable and they operate on the fringe- the outskirts of institution. Their experiences of God are vast and wide and deep- similar to those in biblical times. 

If God spoke through a bush and donkey then, why not now?

I’m finally feeling the freedom in it,  but it took a year to get here. I needed that time to trust myself- God’s Spirit in me - and my tethering to Jesus. 

Now, I’m letting my intuition off the leash- letting her lead me to places I’ve longed for and worlds I have yet to discover. 

I’m staying curious and letting Love be louder than my fear.

Kailey Veenstra